Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Life sucks...
Turns out the new submissive smokes and Complains so much I wonder when she will have time to breathe! I wonder to myself why Madison had to leave and put me in this situation. I really tried to make myself mad at her and come up with reasons why she was never good enough or something, but the fact is that it's all like smoke and mirrors. The truth is that I loved everything about Madison, even the unpleasant stuff. The truth is I'm still VERY much in love with her and I'm SO upset that she's not with me! But what can I do!? She doesn't even want to talk to me!
I ask myself, Am I THAT repulsive? Why did she leave? She says it's because she doesn't want a relationship, but is it really because I am just so terrible that she can't stand me anymore? Is it really that she just doesn't want a relationship with me? This is my problem. The worst thing is, she knew I'd be like this. I didn't hide it. I was so open with her. I tried to be the perfect boyfriend. I tried to listen when she talked. She never had to question how I felt. I told her. I held my temper and my tone, even when she did something that for someone else would have caused me to shout. I cared that if I raised my voice it would upset her. I knew that she was like a fragile flower and I had to be extra gentle with her, and that was ok with me. But maybe I was to gentle? Do you start to see why I'm having a problem here? I don't know WHY I couldn't hold on to her. I'm so depressed and confused that I don't know what to do from here.
As if this isn't enough, I went looking for an apt. today. I found out that I can't afford one in the only area I can live. The worst thing is, I work 60 hours a week. I work 60 hours a week and there just isn't any room for me to work more. No way for me to get a 3rd job. For God's sake, I barely sleep as it is with these two jobs!
No Apartment = Have to live with my Mother and Sister and my sister's two kids, and sleep on the floor. And what girl will want anything to do with me knowing that. Which adds another thing to the Madison thing. Did she decide that I wasn't successful enough for her? I'm so depressed... What can I do? I'm so terrified of the future right now and I'm not used to being in this position. It's always been so easy to move on. I haven't had this much trouble since Kim, and I thought that for sure I could get over Madison by getting a new girl, but the truth is that even though the girl doesn't know it, I'm always thinking about Madison. I still think of Madison as my girlfriend. I have to remind myself that she isn't anymore.
What do I do to move on? My family keeps saying, "Just Move on", but how!? I can't do it. I don't know how! I learned so many things through my life, but not that! What to do when I'm depressed and lonely and I don't have anyone to turn to! I don't know! I'm stuck!
Oh Madison! What did you DO this to me for!? Why tell me you'd stay with me forever and then leave! Why would you hurt me like this! I want so bad to hate you, but I can't! I want to be angry, but I can't! I am just so hurt and I'm scared! I want you back, but I don't know what to do if you come back! I'd be so scared you'd just leave me again! What do I do!? I've never been so confused and scared and hurt...
But to everyone around me, I'm going overboard, so there's NO ONE to talk to about this! That only scares me more and hurts me more! What do I do? I don't know.