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Unwinnable war, am I the 'terrorist' or the 'good guys'? |
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Browsing through other peoples lastest journal entries [yes, I do that sometimes. Maybe reading about other people's happiness will help my own] I came across one that really touched me. It's almost exactly what I feel. There are some parts that are wrong, you won't be able to figure those out unless you really know me. Maybe I'll just but them in seperate colours, either way....the person who wrote this might never see it. And if that person ever does, I thank you greatly for writing this when you did, it helped me over part of something. My inwinnable war.
Late last night..I think my whole world shifted. No, don't you go and suddenly assume that my profile comments mean more than my journals, because they don't. Like I told you before, a role play won't make a difference in my life. Even if I carry a few unconditional affections towards someone, well, the phrase speaks for itself. A few. Not a life-threatening defeat of my heart/immune system. I've already chosen you.
What, you think I don't love you? My WHOLE entry yesterday was out of sheer anger. Like you, I can be dramatic as well. There's not way in hell that I can stay that serious with a journal entry unless I truthfully admit it. I'm not going to leave. I made up my mind. My sister is still mad at me for what I've done, but I wouldn't..leave. God, I screwed up. Yes, I gave you rights to kick me in the a**, and that's what I'll let you do. Think of it as..well, another ending of my life, save for the actual 'dying' parts.
Do you believe me? That I'm not fed up, and that leaving would probably be the end of me, seriously? I told you that I loved you, and for a reason - I love you because I always miss you, I always wait for you to get on at some-odd-hour of the night/morning. I can NEVER stop thinking about you, and damnit, it does have some things to do with my dropping grades, which is why I was so angry yesterday.
Yes, I was the ******** idiot that decided to take out my anger on everyone else on Gaia, and my emotions got the best of me. I never, ever, EVER want to recieve a phone call from my older sister, hearing her voice breaking and crying in the other end about how I'm screwing my life up with the way that I'm behaving in school (grade-wise) and how much she wants me to do better. We were supposed to spend time together at her college this weekend, and my mother took that privilege away because of the fact that I failed a photography test.
..You can imagine how much I was aggravated and seriously hating the world at that point. I've learned my lesson. I will never speak out towards you. I will never think so..seriously in to hating you. I could never get fed up with you. You know this. The other you should know this. Maybe I haven't ever been so serious about it myself to lead you to the conclusion that I'd really leave. I won't. So don't shut me out. The silence is killing me.
I love you, too
 nangal · Sat Sep 13, 2008 @ 03:47pm · 0 Comments |
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