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There's this girl I'm really close with, I'm sure I've mentioned her a few times in survey's I posted. We've dated off and on for the past year, and we broke up early this summer cause I fell for a guy (stupid me), needless to say he turned out to be an a** and I'm still in love with the girl, who happens to be my best, BEST friend.
She's still not over us breaking up and I'm kicking myself in the a** for leaving her for a hopeless dream. She told me tonight she wasn't over us breaking up and that I'm the only person she's ever really fallen in love with, and I'm the only person that "unleashes the beast inside", and we have great chemistry and I feel the same way. We've been tight friends for a few years, and we're both bi, and I can see myself with her for a long time, we've mentioned in passing running up to Canada to get married, but it was always in joking terms. But I think if I got the chance, I would marry her in a heartbeat.
I've been debating on this for almost a week and now her and I just got done hanging out, cause she has to work in the morning, and I wanna ask her back out. I would have asked her tonight, but I went all brain dead and I couldn't think. (Only she does that to me lmao)
But I miss being with her, she's not only the greatest friend there is, her and I kinda think the same way about alot of things. We have the same views on almost everything thats important to us, and she makes me happy, I laugh and smile when I talk to her, and she's constantly laughing also. I don't know if it's cause I'm a real goofball when she's around or what, but with her, I feel free to be my true self that I tend to hide away from alot of people. Right now, the song "Forever" By Papa Roach fits how I feel. It doesn't go this way, but here's bits and peices that fit how it is with her and I.
"Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever. You're my heroine-in this moment I'm lonely, fulfilling my darkest dreams." Then there was when we broke up. How stupid I was. "One last kiss, before I go, Dry your tears, it is time to let you go."
And that right there, let me tell you when I said "I think we should be friends again", and after all the crap I went through this summer, and the wasted hours I spent presuing something that didn't even have a chance in hell, I sit back and think "What the hell was I thinking? I left someone who loves me, for someone whose just a friend. That's all he'll ever be. I left someone who accepted me for who I am, someone who loves me even though I've got flaws, someone who makes me smile. Someone who makes me feel better about myself (which is rare)" I left her because I was stupid, and I've been kicking myself in the a** ever since. I really have been. I don't think things have been the same for me since her I and broke up. Actually, I'm sure they haven't.
And to think, I spent most of my summer trying to get a guy to like me when I had someone better who loved me. I wasted precious time with someone because the wind blew a chance and I got stupid and tried to take it. You'd think after all I've been through I'd be sticking with what I've got instead of venturing off and trying something new. But oh no. Now don't get me wrong, the time I spent with "him" was fun, at times. Most of the time we were both silent watching movies, which at the time was fine, but it's not what I want. I want someone who you can actually hold a conversation with. I know Jen is in another state, but damn. Atleast with her when we talk, we talk. If I need to tell her something important, she listens. She's always been there, even when I was being a b***h. Even when she should have just said "G'night Sash. Talk to you tomorrow" she stuck around. But ya know, it's kinda scary. You never realize what you've got until you let it go, or it leaves you.
But since I was handed some nasty news not to long ago, I've been reassessing my relationships with people. If someone isn't as important as I thought they were, they're sliding down the ladder, and the people who really mean alot to me, I'm placing them higher than they were cause with the time I might have left, I don't want to spend my time with people who don't even really give a s**t about me. Cause I wouldn't be okay with myself if I died tomorrow and the people who meant the most to me were the last ones I said "I love you" to. If I died in my sleep tonight, I'd die knowing that I told Jen I loved her one last time. I'd be at peace knowing that the people who mean the world to me knew it.
So, I guess after all this blogging and thinking I've come to the conclusion. When I talk to Jen again, I'm asking her back out. What's really important to me I'm keeping as close as I possibly can.
What was the nasty news I was handed you ask? I have thyroid failure. It's slowly, or rather decreasing quickly. If I hadn't of been an asthmatic and on steroids all my life I would have died when I was 4. And throughout my life as well. I've been on and off of them alot, and if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here at the moment. But, since I haven't been on any since early March my thyroid is decreasing once more, it's actually "really low" in the words of the doctor. They're concerned because when ever I was on the steroids my thyroid count was normal, which is should have been SKY HIGH, but when I was off of them instead of it going to normal it just stops working. The doctor said "One day you can be fine, feeling your best. Able to do anything and the next, you're gone." So, since then I've been lost in a whirlwind of confusion and depression. Knowing that I'm dying.. That's not the greatest thing to go to sleep thinking about. But, I do know that if this is my last leg so to speak, I'm gonna be happy damn it. Even if I'm feeling like hell, unable to do anything, I atleast want to know that I'm with someone who makes me happy.
And I know "Why get into a relationship if you're so ill?" I've thought that many times about many people. Someone's dying and they're engaged or just got married, or they've started a relationship with someone who they'll probably die and leave alone, but the thing is, you don't want to be alone when its you. I understand that now. Before I didn't. You want to surround yourself with your family, your friends, your loved ones pretty much and if there's someone you love and you want to be with them, now is the best time! Because tomorrow it might be to late!
So even if I leave, I'll know that up until the end, I was with the person I loved, and with a person who loves me that isn't family. And for all you anti same sex relationships people. You can kiss my big ole girl loving a**. mrgreen
Peace out y'all!
-Sasha
 WatchTheSunDie · Sat Sep 06, 2008 @ 05:31am · 0 Comments |
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