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o_o; Bleh. I feel so bleh right now.
I was going to see Ryuukun today. Or at least that was the plan. But dear mum has forgotten, even though I've told her a million times, and scheduled not one but TWO freaking doctors appointments for me tomorrow. o______o;; I really honestly dunno what to do now.
I do need to go .. -_- but I also feel like if I don't see Ryuukun soon I may really loose it. o_- But then again I feel like I've already lost it. Last night was terrible. I thought I was feeling better when I got back to the house .. but I dunno. I started having another panic attack and Nana kept whining that she hadn't eaten, so I had to cook dinner, which I nearly burned, and then Margie came home and bitched about the dishes so I was able to actually only get about 15 minutes of real actual Internet-time. Then my mum opened a sack and apparently one of my bottles of conditioner had opened and gotten everywhere. That was the last straw, besides feeling miserable the whole day. I just fell on the floor as if it was the worst thing in the world to happen and started bawling. -_- And this morning she made the appointments and here I am. =/
I dunno what it is. It's partly the heat, killing my braincells. It's partly my living arrangements, and partly my hormones going through warp drive, and partly that I haven't been taking my medicine for almost a year. -_-
Last night she gave me an Ambien to sleep. o_o Which would have been fine, but she got the pill from Nana, who got the pill from Leprechaun, and it turns out that wasn't an ambien at all but one of his anti-psychotic drugs. Again. (For some reason, the side-effects include "psychotic reactions" .. what?) This is the second time it's happened, and I'm hoping it's not affecting me in some adverse way. (I'm pretty sure it is.) I can actually pinpoint exactly when the effects began to kick in, as I was writing in my IRL journal at the time. The entry starts out pretty normal, if not angsty and sulky. But then .. well. xD Even I can't really decipher what the hell I was talking about. Seriously trippy.
I spent five hours last night watching the clock move around on the wall, seeing ghosts, and falling over imaginary precipices. Everytime I'd drift off to sleep .. AHHH! Falling backwards off the bloody Grand Canyon. I would have fallen off the bed, except that I'm on the floor already and can only fall off my blankets, but that two inches is several thousand miles in dreamtime. And then I finally fell asleep for a little bit, but I didn't seem to have any dreams at all because I couldn't go into R.E.M sleep. ( Not the band. xD ) I usually dream every night, and can remember my dreams in detail 60% the time. So it feels weird not dreaming at all. o_O Plus the panic attacks made it worse - I have this fear about dying in my sleep, and I was fairly sure that if I DID manage to sleep I wouldn't be waking up at all the next morning. -_-;;
But I woke up this morning feeling slightly more normal, so yay? But I looked in the mirror and went back to being miserable. Bleh. I'm trying so hard to stop caring. But it's reached the point where I seriously need help. Of the professional variety.
Anyhow. Nana has stolen Half-Blood Prince. It's a good thing I already finished it. xD But I really wanted to read it again. It's so good. ;___; But .. so ..... *falls over* I won't give anything away. I kind of wanted mum to read it next though. Nana has reverted to the mental state of a two year old it seems. She requires instant gratification with everything. No one ever *told* her it was her turn to read the book, and she never asked if mum wanted to read it. >_>
I would love to hop into a HP roleplay forum but I don't really have enough time to do much, due to the fact that Evil Peep has imposed not only a three-hour time limit but also lowered me SN status to that of "teen". The hell? -_- I'd have to get offline to write my posts, and get back online to post them. xD I have all these characters in my head and on paper that I'd love to try out ... oi.
Hm .. -_- I feel and look terrible. I don't feel like going to the doctors, or the apartments, or anywhere. Now I'm going to have to call me luff (well, leave a message anyway, since he's at work) and tell him I can't come over. *stumps off* -_-
I love him more than anything in the world. I hope to Kwan Yin he understands. ;_;
 The Viscount · Tue Jul 26, 2005 @ 05:52pm · 1 Comments |
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