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Midnight ramblings of the insane |
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It's 2:30 in the morning, I can't sleep. Go figure. I'm really bored, cold and kinda tired. Also, kinda sad. Why? I have no idea. When I can't sleep, which has been often here lately, I start thinking about how things are going in my life.. Well, they're going kinda shitty at the moment. It's not just one thing that's bothering me, it's alot of things. There's so many things bothering me here lately that I can't even think.
The past.. oh, I don't know 72hrs I've been fighting just breaking down and crying. For no real reason! I just want to hide in my room, that I share with two other people and some animals and cry. I'm miserible in my own skin.. How ******** up is that? I hate who I am. I wish I was the same person I was when I was like, 10. I didn't take any s**t from anyone, and if I didn't like how things were going, by golly I'd let you know it too! Now, something goes astray, I just keep quiet and leave the room and let s**t eat me up inside. Something really horrible can happen, something I COMPLETELY disagree with, and I just let it happen.
********, if I open my mouth about something, people know somethings wrong, but if I were to open my mouth, it'd never close anymore! I see so much bogus and retarded s**t that it makes me want to gouge out my eyeballs.
Then there's my "personal" life... I'm single. Whoop-dee-do. I've been single for awhile now. But the thing is, I haven't really. I was "seeing" someone kind of, it was online, but I cared alot for that person, and still do. But if I were to tell anyone other than my mother and brother and my really REALLY close friends what kind of relationship it was, I might get hung. My family says they're not predijust (sp?) against people, but that right there is bullshit. I know one person that would literally s**t kittens if they knew the type of relationship I had. That right there makes me sad. Someone made me happy, made me feel good, and this person would hate or dislike me for it. For those of you that don't know what the hell I'm talking about, I was seeing another girl. Her name was Jen, and she was the greatest friend/girlfriend I've ever had to date. My first boyfriend ain't got s**t on Jen. She makes me smile when I'm feeling bad, and listens when I need someone to talk to. She's just perfect, but if *someone* was to find out, oh s**t. It'd be hell on earth afterwards.
But I have to admit, there are times when *someone* is bashing gay/bi people that I just want to scream at them
scream "Clearly you have no idea that your hatred of these people effects someone in your family. I'm one of those "people" that you dispise. I am bisexual, and have even dated a girl. Granted it was an online relationship, but still. If she were here, and someday she might be, I'd be dating her in person. Just because we have relations with people of the same sex doesn't mean we're bad people. We're the same on the outside as you, and most people that are gay/bi are Christians! They get looked down on by the chruch and by everyone they know there. It isn't their fault they are the way they are. Just like it isn't my fault I am the way I am. I was born this way and I'll stay this way. You can either learn to deal with it or stay away from me. "
Boy, if I actually said that to them... It might start a family feud..But then again, if they continue to diss people like that and me popping them in the mouth might start one too.. But really. It's these things that are driving me up the wall because I can't say anything and if I do, oh boy.. It'd be hell here. Literally.
I lay in my bed, night after night and think about things like that, and get so pissed off and upset that I start crying so ******** hard I can't breath. Stupid maybe, but still. It'd s**t that's going on in my life. Jen and I broke up so she could go out with another girl.. Actually, I stepped back and let her go, which has ate me up since. Her and I are still best friends, but I hate knowing she's with someone else, cause I know somethings about that relationship that ain't working to well. I partially blame myself, because I knew when I stepped down that it wasn't going to be very pretty with them, but I just kept my mouth shut and let it happpen. Again, if I would have opened my mouth, things might be different now then they are.
Its times like these I hate who I am... Come to think about it.. I'm not sure I'm content with anything that's going on in my life. Actually, I know I'm not. I ******** hate everything. I know to most people I seem to just blow things off, it ain't worth getting fired up over, blah blah, what ever. Inside, I'm ******** dying. I feel like everything that goes wrong in my life a little peice of me has died.. So, I guess I must really be dead inside. Cause it seems everything is wrong. I know things seem okay on the outside, but boy are the walls falling on the inside. I can't keep rebuilding the walls, it's becoming a hard job. I just can't do it anymore. Like I said earlier, I just want to hide in my room and cry. I feel like a peice of s**t, I'm not well at all. I'm sick once again, and it's taking a toll on me mentally. I just want to throw in the towel and call it quits. I've gone almost 22 rounds, thats enough for me.. For 17 years I've been fighting constantly. And when I almost seem to have the other person knocked down, whoops, lets find something else wrong. So, there's another problem to add on to this fight making the other side win until I figure out a way to get over this new one. Well, guess what.. The new problem isn't as simple as these ******** doctors are saying. I don't believe I have Cushings Syndrome. I really don't. There's something else wrong, cause nothing is that ******** simple.. Plus, I'm a poor person, even if it really IS cushings, do you really think I'll be able to afford the meds? YEAH RIGHT.
This s**t I supposedly have is fatal unless treated, well, lets see.. almost 22yrs with is.. think I can make it to 44? Or even 33? ********, If I survive to see 25 I'll be shocked. I've made it 10 years longer than the doctors said I would. How long can I keep cheating death? Ya know? I've been cheating death for 10 years, eventually, it's going to catch me. But the real question is.. When? Tomorrow, tonight, 3 years from now? WHEN?!
I already know I will not have children of my own to carry on my bloodline, but I'm cool with that. I knew at 17 I'd never have children of my own. I've accepted that, and I'm okay with it. Most of the time. Tonight, it makes me sad, tomorrow, I'll be okay with it again. But knowing that I'll never feel a child moving inside of me makes me want to cry tonight. Tomorrow I'll be okay with it, it'd probably be weird anyway.
But right now, I'm kinda laying everything out on the table, and upset about some things, and accepting others. It's just a ******** shame I have to do this alone.. and in the middle of the night too. Alright, enough of this s**t, I'm out.
 WatchTheSunDie · Mon Feb 04, 2008 @ 08:51am · 0 Comments |
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