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stare Life sucks at the moment. I've been so ******** nervous tonight I just want to fly. Why? My grandma's been ranting on about petty s**t, as usual. Gah, sometimes I just want to pack up as much s**t as I can into a duffle bag and leave. Maybe I'm being too emotional but I just want outta here. I hate being poor, I hate living in a ******** shack with a roof that leaks, I hate feeling like I'm always about to explode. Why do I feel guilty for s**t I didn't even do?! Why must I feel like I'm a piece of s**t for something some one else did? Tonight grandma said to turn the AC on, so I did. Well, she starts bitching about it costing to much, and how we need to keep the doors and windows shut. Well, first of all, all I did was turn the ******** AC on like I was asked, I didn't know the screen was open on the front door, nor did I know the living room window was open. How was I supposed to know? I wasn't even in that part of the house! She says we'd learn to keep the doors and windows closed when our power got shut off because we didn't know how to keep the doors and windows shut. Well, ******** me, maybe we just need to run around here by ******** candle light from now on. stare Oh yeah, she has suggested that. In fact, that's how we had light the other night, we used candles because she was flipping out about the lights costing to much. I HATE BEING POOR! I really don't know how else to express my hatred of it. I envy the rich because they have everything they've ever wanted, they've got nice cars, nice houses, and can afford to live, actually live in this world.
I really wish my book would have been published. That's got me pissed off as well. Actually it's been bugging me for quite awhile. They returned the manuscript and it didn't even look like it'd been touched! It looked like it went from one envelope to another one, and they placed a letter on the top. I would send it to another publisher, but I'm so ******** pissed off about it I don't want to send it out again stare . I think if I was rejected a second time I might go postal. I know my story was and is marketable material. I've gotten over 500 reviews on the damn thing from when it was posted online. So, how they couldn't have accepted it is kinda mind boggling. I even went through and edited some of the language usage, and changed a few names hoping it'd be accepted. But no dice.
Great, now I just wanna scream or cry... Maybe both. Yeah, both would be nice. On top of all the crap going on I've got dreams that are haunting me both when I'm awake and asleep. They're always about one person, different settings, but he's always in them.. Always. I can't recall a night here in the past few months where he hasn't been mentioned or spoken about in my dreams. But these past few dreams, oohh boy. Completely crazy. I've actually been speaking to him in my dreams and not just shying away like normal. I keep telling him that searching for happiness in others isn't what he needs. He needs to find happiness in himself before he can be happy with others. And that I'm just a myspace search away, all he has to look for is Sasha in Kansas. eek How creepy is that?! This morning, when I woke up, well before I woke up, I was telling him that again. But I also said "I have to go, I'm about to wake up, and you won't remember this. But please try. Look for me. Sasha in Kansas." confused Why does all this freaky s**t have to happen to me? I mean, REALLY. When I'm awake its life related stress getting to me and when I'm asleep its a guy who I've been in love with for years haunting me. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! And why now? When my life is sinking to the bottom, why does he have to start popping up in my dreams more? sweatdrop Okay, enough of this random rambling, I'm outties.
 WatchTheSunDie · Tue Jun 05, 2007 @ 04:47am · 0 Comments |
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