Cloud's Song

• Artist: Wandering Sky
• Description: A metaphorical piece that I wrote a while ago, but have hidden it because I always feel self-conscience about my work. So I am putting myself out there. I don't mind constructive critisim, but don't bash if you don't know how or don't want to fix it. I want to know what to do with it after your comments.
• Date: 09/09/2008
• Tags: clouds song

Clouds are the song
of the winding road,
that leads
to the orange lit sun,
who burns the grass
that fought so hard
to rise up out of
the sweet smelling dirt,
that warms my face
when I fall
to the ground.

Slow beats of my heart,
turning in circles,
soft blue swishes
on the pale floor
to the melody
of the clouds.

Blue envelopes
my fears
with the crash
of the waves,
pounding at the door
of soft rock
that leads to the green
and wild daisies that smile
at the orange-yellow sun
through breaks
of the wispy clouds,
making faces
at the window
of my road.

Comments

[Thia the Ranger]

I think you did a very good job with this poem. I love the flow and the theme behind it. Good job, and good luck.

[EatJuice]

I enjoyed it, especially the first line. But as far as criticism goes I think the first part goes a little too long and you start too many lines with "that" and it makes it a little jagged. Also the second paragraph feels out of place I would either flesh it out a bit more or just drop it all together. But I think you've got something there.

[Helpline]

I have to say that you did a really good job on this. If I read through it I can not really see any corrections. I think that maybe you could expand and add to it while combining some of your lines however you have good words as well as stanzas which keep the flow and attention going towards the poem. 5/5