• It's not as if I date the same type of people over and over again. In fact I have no inclination to "bad boys", nor have I received or would I tolerate any physical abuse along side the mental anguish. None of you look the same, have the same interests as each other (except perhaps some slight similarities in music taste), or live the same kinds of lives. But tonight I think of all of you: the words unspoken, and the distrust you instilled in me over time and just the genuine desire I had to be as reckless as you were with my feelings, to be the person you wanted to believe I was.



    Some of you I remained friends with for a short while, but thinking of it now I am only friends with one of you now. Why? Because as soon as you were caught being untrustworthy, you continued to lie and to cheat. I gave second chances, because I believe in people making mistakes. Not a single one of you admitted your guilt, I had found out through the most ridiculously obvious means (like myspace, twice for ******** sake). It's like you didn't care that you were being a sleazeball, or you wanted me to catch you instead of just telling me we were through. I could be angry at this, yes, upset, heart broken; but the frequency in which men would just cheat on me instead of breaking it off was weighing on me, it made me view relationships as toxic. You couldn't give a s**t. No, in fact when you made suggestions of feeling guilt, if you had at all, you just kept lying to me to save face. What was it? That I was easy? That you thought I couldn't take you leaving me? Think again.



    I had every opportunity to tell this other lover about what was going on. In most situations, you had kept it from both of us (in all situations, actually). You made these women so accessible that it stared me in the face and beckoned me to tell them. But I didn't. Not once. I didn't do it for me, there was no gain for me to not tell them. I could have burned you for the slippery worm that you were. No, I didn't do it for you, either. You broke my trust, you made me believe that I was the f***ed up one. In reality, there is no good reason to cheat, especially secretly, and ESPECIALLY when these relationships were not bound by any form of legal means, like marriage. You could have dumped me and moved on. I didn't tell them, because it wouldn't make me feel any better, and it would make her feel like I did. I remember one of you receiving a card from your long distance girlfriend, and in it she said she felt you were the only person she could trust. Did I want to be the person that crushed her heart? No. In fact out of experience, I know that someone telling me didn't make the pain hurt any less. My best step forward was to leave you and hope that you would at least be faithful to this other person. Nonetheless, you are the only person that gained from my silence. Yet I'm the ex you complain about. Yeah.



    You f***ed with my head, the lot of you. At first I gave my entire trust to you. I had believed that if you wanted to be with me, you would follow the same rules of a relationship that you expected me to follow. But after all the lying, I became nosy. I read text messages when you left your phone around. I became THAT kind of person. I hated not trusting you, and you became defensive. It suddenly was that I DESERVED to be cheated on, because that's what I expected. The last person to do this to me left me so miserable and depressed, because it was one of the only times I have ever confessed love. You just kept hurting me. And you later in a fit of rage told me that I deserved all the bad things that people did to me, because I f***ed them over eventually. Meanwhile you haven't the slightest ability to forgive anyone, so it doesn't matter WHAT they did, you would hold a grudge for the rest of your miserable life. And you continued to cheat on the girl you had left me for (and then supposedly left for me {though we both know that was a lie you kept for several months}), that you had cheated with on me. I guess she deserved that, too.



    I didn't make you into the kind of person you are. I can take responsibility for relationships and friendships failing when it is my fault, but you have no excuse to blame me for your inability to be honest. I didn't force you to lie or ask you to f*** around. If it had been established in the beginning of these relationships that it was open I would have accepted it or left, but I would not have been burned by it. You had complete disrespect for me. You never deserved anything good from me, because you abused my trust when I attempted my best to give it to you in abundance. I didn't play mind games with you; I told you exactly how I felt. If I was wrong, that didn't justify you putting your d*** in someone else occasionally to make up for it. My time was invaluable, my sympathy was limitless. I allowed you to f*** with me, but I didn't f*** around on you.



    I want you to know that despite all of this, despite how my words may seem, I no longer am angry at you. I mean, I sometimes get miffed thinking about how much you used me for your personal gain, but for all the cheating, I let go of it. I did my best to forgive you, despite not forgetting. I can't be completely ignorant of what you had done. I will never let you get the chance to be close to me again. I still believe in second chances, but only for those who are honest. I have spent time on my own to heal. I'm not really sure if I am ready to date again, but it depends on the person. I do have someone in mind. Right now I feel comfortable in my skin. More comfortable than I have been in quite a few years. I believe in that cliche that all of these bad relationships have taught me something. All these bad experiences have given me the opportunity to rise above them. If I meet the same kind of two-timer, I will have no problem leaving them. I have more pride now than I had before all this bull s**t began. If this someone I am considering being more exclusive with doesn't work out, as sad as that may make me, I will pick myself up faster than ever before despite my exceptional fondness for him. I will never allow people like you to get to me again.



    I want to thank you in some small way for helping me set standards for what kind of treatment I won't tolerate. But know that I am in no way grateful for what you've done. I could have in fact gone my whole life without scumbags like yourself. You are not solely scum, I did try to date nice guys. But you couldn't be good to me, so you have negatively shaped my opinion of you. For those of you reading this, bear in mind that I don't have a problem with someone having many partners. It is really up to you. Just don't put up a facade about being this one-woman/man lover when you most clearly are not. Eventually you will be caught. Losing trust is not a feeling that many enjoy on both sides of this story.