• I am not perfect. Nor am I cool, special, important, “all-that”, or kind. I’m nothing remotely close to any of those adjectives. At the age of eleven, I was as bi-polar personality wise as one could ever get. The Deidra situation is proof of that. I wish now that I could alter the cold-hearted facts, but I know that the probability of that happening is next to zero.
    Deidra was a petite and frail looking black female. She was a part of the minority at my middle school in Stafford, Virginia. She wore glasses; last season’s clothing and walked in a rather awkward position. Her voice was high-pitched and yet scratchy in its own little way.
    I was blonde, intelligent, short, and completely arrogant. I teased her behind her back, called her stupid childish names that I came up with in no time at all. I was shy and stuck to myself and the few friends that I had from middle school. I still tried to act like one of the popular girls, in hopes to somehow getting noticed. And yet I too, wore last season’s clothing, and walked in a slightly awkward position from everyone else.
    “Look at her, trying to befriend that group of girls over there.” I would snicker from across the gym floor pointing at Deidra. Whoever was next to me would look up and let out a small chuckle as well. After words I always grinned, feeling that small glimmer of accomplishment. One step closer.
    Except, when I was right next to the frail black girl, I smiled as if I had not said anything rude or hurtful about her. I smiled and pretended that I was her best friend in the school. Her one and only ‘true’ friend.
    “So I am going to New York over Vacation.” Deidra said trying to catch up to my fast pace in the hallway. I was of course doing my best to avoid being seen with her. After a moment, I gave up and slowed down.
    “Oh. Really,” I asked raising an eye brow, a plan beginning to brew in my head as I turned to look at her. I could feel my nose crinkle at the sight of her, and I quickly raised my hand to my face as nonchalantly as possible to cover my expression change. In the mean time hoping that the girl had not noticed, and continued on with my side of the conversation. “Can you get me something? You know, to prove to me that we really are best friends?”
    “What?” She asked. It was her turn to raise an eyebrow. I could tell she was already confused, I did not blame her. I was never one to ask for someone to prove something to me. Let alone a friendship. “Why would I need to prove that to you?”
    “Well… Not to prove to me per se… but, a souvenir. We are best friends, correct?”
    “We are… but, I don’t know if I could.. you know, afford it.” She whispered after a long moment and looked to the ground. Her feet curved in to make it look like she was pigeon toed.
    I let out a chuckle and rolled my eyes at her new stance. “Nothing expensive, trust me. Just a cute pink skirt.”
    “Well, I guess I could…”
    “Great! I’ll talk to you later.” I sang out in a cheery voice before running off down the hall towards my next class.
    The skirt idea was perfect. Obtain a cute pink skirt from New York, and I was as good as gold. I would definitely fit in now. I could be cool, popular, and leave Deidra in the dust.
    Days turned to nights, and nights turned into weeks as this behavior continued. I reminded the girl of our little agreement every now and again, telling her my measurements for skirt and exactly what I wanted it to look like. Did I feel bad about any of this? Of course not. I was getting something good out of it, something I truly wanted.
    Finally, vacation came and went, and I was standing at the front of the school waiting for that glorious moment when I would be able to hold that beautiful pink skirt in my hands. I could already feel the popularity peeking through my loser self just at the picture of the skirt on my waist. I could see myself walking down the hallway all the girls flocking around me.
    I wish that was actually what was happening. Instead, everyone walked past me and into the school pointing and laughing. I blushed in embarrassment and stood still for a moment longer. I got on the tips of my toes trying to see over everyone. I turned my head to avoid all the amused faces. Minutes passed. No Deidra and no pink skirt.
    I hugged myself and spun on the heel of my foot, walking off in humiliation. I was getting laughed at for just standing there waiting for my popularity. Was this how Deidra felt? Like a loser; just for being slightly different than everyone else?
    I walked on in silence as I thought about my actions for the first time, in an unusual point of view. How had that awkward girl dealt with it? Different than I have I know that.
    She had her head held high, with her pride following closely. She went off to make more friends.
    Whereas I just walked alone by myself fighting back all the tears that were beginning to trickle down my rosy cheeks. It felt like my whole world was crumbling around me. I felt alone.