- Red,green,blue and yellow.Colors seem to have faded and time seemed to have come to a complete stop.I try to hear a soft tune in my head.To take me away from this place.The noise a clicking metal as locks are being opened and closed.The sound of a wooden hammer slamming the desk as the judge calls it a day run through my head.The concrete is cold as I sit, wondering what would have happened if I never did the things I've done.There's not much for someone like me to do.I do not wish to talk.So I find myself thinking about what I would be like if life never took the coarse it did.Would I be as lost as I am now?So many questions and this time I can say.I have all the time.I watch as the person I share the cell with does his daily push ups on the floor and I'm forced up onto the bed.I remember only a few years ago when I had done something like this before.I was in the same kind of situation only.It was a longer stay.So what if I have a history of violence.I was asked in there if I could go back in time.Would I stop myself from doing what I had done?That answer was so simple it took me hardly anytime to answer.And the answer it's self to me even felt cold.No.Would I stop myself from almost brutally beating my best friend to death with my own fists after he violated my younger sister?And this time would I have gone over to my mothers supposed boyfriends house and beat him with the cast on my hand from already breaking it against his face.Did he not get it when I told him the first time if he ever laid another hand on my mother that I'd kill him.If it weren't for his neighbors calling the cops would I have gone to that extent.Would I have taken a life?You never know what one is capable of until they are pushed.But my over all answer is No.No I wouldn't change what I'd done and No.I wouldn't take a life.I'm nearly 18.And already I have people asking if I have regrets.Yesterday I got home late.I'm lucky some have told me.I did not see that until now.I always thought I was a magnet attracting negative energy because it always seemed to find me.My childhood was taken from me and was never given back.Ever since I could walk my mother told me I had to be a man.So that is what I did.I didn't have sleep overs or imaginary journeys with friends.Instead I spent my time cleaning or waiting.Waiting because I was not allowed in the apartment when my mother had clients.And waiting for something better.But I see now that you can't just wait.And that's why I sit here.Not just to get my thoughts out but to say that waiting never got me anywhere.Waiting was and is my only regret.Don't wait for life to change.Make it.And do so proudly.It might get you to places where you'll say why.So then do it again.And keep on doing it until you get it right.Because I know when I'm older and someone asks me again if I have any regrets in life I want to say no.And I want to look back and know that I changed the way my life was headed.Even if was a way I didn't particularly like.But the fact that I changed it makes me realize.If I can make it change for the worse.Why not for the better?
- by Captain Nem |
- Non Fiction
- | Submitted on 07/25/2009 |
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- Title: Lifes own Prison
- Artist: Captain Nem
- Description: how I found change in a situation I felt lost and alone in.
- Date: 07/25/2009
- Tags: lifes prison change
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