• INTRODUCTION:

    It happened, quickly, shockingly...It happened.
    Expected? Yes. By me? No. It happens to everyone right? No. A lot of people then? ..Yes. So I'm not alone? No. What can I do about this?...That's when the answers stopped.
    Chpt.1

    As you can see, it happened. What, you may ask? Oh, something I can assure you. For me, it started sooner than others..I found out sooner than others.
    You might be thinking, Oh I hope your thinking, that I am about to say I found out I was a vampire. Oh how I would love to be a bloodsucker, instead of going through what I did...What I do.
    What is it? Oh? Now you're demanding? Shall I continue stalling? Because it's a lot more easier for you to read this than for me to live with what I do.
    November, 2005

    Just because I put the date of which this happened you'd think it would be horrible? Or better, you'd think i'd finally tell you? Ha, yes...yes one, only one is partly true, and the other completely true.
    It is horrible, when you could be free from the chains, the chains which this situation has created and how far it's broughten you down...and yet you're not? In my mind I see it like this, I was chosen, hand picked to suffer. Yes suffer. And I feel myself selfish when I say so, but it's true.
    It's horrible because I COULD be happy, as many lucky people can, but the constant raining in my mind and the storms in my soul bring me closer and closer to the death of my joy. All life has given me is more reason to stay in the cold instead of coming inside and to keep warm. Warm from all the cold hearted people like me, the reason there is evil in this world. But my mind is set on the "fact" that there is no amount of "warmth" that could brake through my cold bitterness. None at all. So I stay cold, slowly freezing, scared of the future before me. It will never stop. No, not completely. I will always be miserable.
    Why? what happened?
    Now, that would be telling you wouldn't it?
    I guess you deserve now more than ever to know, as I will always know, and always suffer.
    It's simple really not traumatic, no one died, I wasn't hurt...physically...no not at all, in that way I've been lucky.
    I was emotionally murdered.
    What? I know, I don't understand it either...but I do.
    Since the beginning, I was always bullied.
    How immature I feel just to speak that word.
    I was never understood.
    Bright, I was, but always to adults, never others nor myself.
    Pretty? Never spoken from anothers mouth, but one of a family members.
    Or that's how I felt.
    Skinny? Probably the farthest from it, in my eyes and my fellow classmates.
    All this...
    and to find out something else was wrong?
    Since Nov. 05' I can't remember really being truly happy in any form...in anyway.
    I am, was, and always will be very vain.
    I cannot enjoy anything knowing I look "ugly" or knowing someone doesn't like me.
    Feeling ugly physically is horrible, the worst, something I can't deal with.
    To be ugly, personnality wise, is bad too...for everyone, something they won't deal with.
    I was moody, but I could control myself back in 05'.
    This past year I couldn't keep relationships with friends, or myself.
    I despised myself, became suicidal..
    But why?
    I didn't know, why I was so violently mad.
    I didn't know, why I was so unbareably depressed.
    And I didn't know what was to come from these horrible emotions.
    Just this past year I was Diagonosed with Bipolar disorder, Depression, and Anxiety. I was put on medication, and was doing...ok. I still became very angry and depressed, through the medication, and my suicidal thoughts increased. So I stopped taking it. And everything got even worse from there.
    My anger...I wanted to kill, I needed to or I would kill myself, it wasn't something I could, or would, live through. And It ruined everything for me...everything.
    So many things could have been prevented...if only I continued that medication...and in the very back of my still-cold-mind I believe things would be better...If i weren't living. But I am, and I must endure it, for the people I love will always need me, and I will live for as long as I'm needed, and I hope, Things will be different for me in the future, for I plan this, what is happening now, will not be then, that I will live in peace with not only others...but with myself.