• The Things I Never Said



    Chapter 1



    I arrived on the scenic campus of Appalachian State University in August before my 21st birthday. The warm fall air was amazingly refreshing, soothing the anxiety, heartbreak and anticipation that had been taking hold as I drove into the mountain town of Boone, North Carolina. I knew no one there, and that is precisely the reason I chose the university that turned out to be the best kept secret of the western North Carolina mountains.

    Fresh out of a devastating, tumultuous, and somewhat abusive relationship, I was looking for a fresh start. I needed a haven where I could rediscover who I was. Little did I know that this small school in the mountains would help me discover more about myself than I could have ever imagined.



    I was never an outgoing person. I was relatively shy around new people, and most of that was because I was insecure in myself and was the poster child for poor self esteem. When you grow up in a small town and are one of the few "fat kids," it makes it difficult to make yourself interact outside of your own circle. Most of my social interactions were forced upon me or were with people I had known since grade school. Now, as I pulled my red 1992 Ford Explorer Sport to the leasing office for the student apartment I had found online, I felt the anxiety begin to engulf me once more. Not only was I about to be thrust into an unknown world, but I was going to be moving into an apartment with someone I had never met before. All I had was the name of this faceless roommate-- LaKita Mercer. I knew nothing of her...no age, no interests, not even living habits. I could only hope that things would work out for the best.

    After receiving my keys and paying my first month's rent, I began to make my way towards my assigned apartment in the massive ten-building apartment complex. Driving towards my building, I saw multitudes of people greeting one another, exchanging stories of their summer excursions, and moving various boxes and bags into their furnished apartments.

    As the butterflies rose in my stomach, I pulled into a space and placed the small, two-door SUV in park. For my first trip up the three flights of stairs, I only took one duffel bag, as if I were preparing for a quick escape. I slung it over my shoulder, pulling my shoulder length chestnut brown hair out from under the strap. With a deep breath, I began my venture into worlds unknown.

    After unlocking the front door and entering, I realized my roommate was not there. I set my bag by my bedroom door as I unlocked it, and I was grateful that she wasn't there. However, at the same time, I wasn't. I partly would have preferred to get the awkward meet and greet over with.

    Finally, I gave myself a moment to really look at the apartment. It was a newer structure, and being on the top floor, it was quiet. The small living room had a much larger feeling to it, thanks mostly to the vaulted ceilings. The kitchen was separated from the living room by a small bar with two wooden stools. To the right was my still bare room, and on the other side of the apartment was LaKita's room. I noticed she had some Greek letters on her door, but I wasn't familiar with what they were called. Two of the three were K's, but I had no idea what the last was. "Great...a sorostitue..." I muttered to myself, immediately drawing a mental picture of my still faceless roommate.

    I was convinced that, much like the girls at the college I first attended, she would be preppy and unnaturally pretty. She hadn't worked a day in her life, living off of her daddy's money. Like any other Sweet Briar College girl, she would drive and Audi or a Beamer or something that she couldn't afford if she had actually had to work for it. She would look down on me because I didn't have money to blow on pearls, Coach purses or Vera Bradley bags. I knew her type, and that was one of the reasons I had left Sweet Briar College. Needless to say, this was going to be a long and interesting year.



    After several trips up and down the three flights of stairs, I collapsed onto the stiff, dorm-style couch, completely exhausted. I was convinced the stairs grew in number with each lap up the steps. Leaving only a couple suitcases of clothes in the Explorer, I told myself I was done for now and would lug them up the stairs later. I reached in the pocket of my bluejeans and pulled out my cell phone. It was very basic-- no frills...at all. But, it was mine. I had paid for it and I was proud of it.

    Speed-dialing my mother, I called to let her know that I had made the three hour drive safely. "Yes, I got checked in fine," I told her. "No, I haven't met my roommate and no, I'm not sure what she's like," I said. Though, I knew LaKita's type, so naturally I knew what she was like. "Yes, I have my door locked...and deadbolted. Yes, Mom..." I said, rolling my eyes with her overprotectiveness. "Mom...look, I'm going to go get unpacked. Uh-huh. I love you and miss you, too. Bye, Mom." I shut the small phone and placed it back unto my pocket with a sigh. Mom could be such a worrier sometimes.

    I finally pulled myself off the couch and made my way to the kitchen after relaxing for a few more minutes. I took my box containing the pots and pans, and slid it over in front of an empty cabinet. After sitting on the floor, I began to unpack it, placing various cooking aids into the cabinet. Moments later, I heard a key in the door. I felt an odd nervousness wash over me, but I hoped that if I kept working, that might help to ease it. It didn't... The door swung open and my roommate was hidden from my view, blocked by the bar from my seat on the cool, laminated floor. However, as she approached her bedroom door, LaKita finally came into view. She was nothing at all like I had expected. Actually, she was the complete opposite. A plus-size girl like me, she had a bandana covering her hair, and was very tomboyish. She wore a faded black t-shirt, loose-fitting green shorts and a pair of soccer sandals. To be honest, she was a bit intimidating.

    Though I tried to hide like the coward I was, the cookie sheets that I had propped against the cabinet doors betrayingly fell over, causing a cascade of crashing sounds, causing LaKita to look over at me quizzically. "You must be the new girl," she said simply. I pulled myself to my feet, nodding. LaKita extended her hand, and I politely took it, matching the firmness in her slightly weathered hand. "I'm Kita," she said, with a kind of stern friendliness.

    "Lacey," I replied, a bit timidly. "Nice to meet you." After exchanging pleasantries, she retreated to her room, leaving the door open. One thing I already liked about Kita- she didn't hover. I had my space and time to unpack alone. As I took a seat once again on the kitchen floor, I couldn't help but grin to myself. Lesson one about larger colleges, I thought to myself. Don't judge a girl by her letters.



    The next few days went by in a bit of a blur. Between unpacking, getting my class schedule finalized and standing in the line for rental textbooks for over two hours, I barely had time to look for a job. However, I managed to find one at a fast-food restaurant chain. Sure, the pay was lousy, but the food was just as bad. Still, it was a paycheck, I got as many free soft tacos and gorditas as I wanted, and, well, I had to pay rent somehow.



    Finally, the first day of classes were here. I felt like a freshman all over again. In a way, I was. Sweet Briar College was completely different than Appalachian State. There, we were sheltered from the real world. A half mile drive up a small, forest-lined road opened into a mass of brick buildings after passing through a security gate that looked like it belonged at Monticello. The brick buildings that comprised the small women's college in central Virginia all faced the dell, a grassy area used for a variety of purposes. One could easily traverse the length of the campus in less than ten minutes without rushing. It was beautiful, but there was a silent arrogance about it, such that if you did not listen for it, you would be drawn in by its beauty and brutally slapped by the pompass girls there before you realized it.

    No...Appalachian State was different. There was a diversity that Sweet Briar College could never dream of attaining, and not just with ethnicities. There were liberals as well as conservatives, skaters, punks, preppers, slackers, gays, transgendereds, Muslims, Jews, blacks, Asian-Americans, non-Americans, and everyone in between. It was refreshing to know that I could just blend in with the crowd and not be noticed.



    As I stepped out of the standing-room-only bus, I was immediately immersed in this unknown world. Graduating from a high school of less than two hundred before moving on to a college of just a shade over six hundred, ASU, at just over ten thousand, held teh change I so desperately needed. I made my way through the crowded sidewalk, taking my map and class schedule out of the back pocket of my jeans, as if I hadn't practically memorized it already. I continued walking, keeping my head down and not caring that my board straight hair was now falling in my face. I managed to make it to Rankin Science Building with fifteen minutes left before my introductory biology course was to begin. Being a large lecture hall, my classroom was easy to find, especially considering there were signs posted along the wall directing the way. Apparently, they had a lot of students get lost on the way to the lecture hall.

    When I arrived, there were only a few people scattered throughout the hall. I took a seat in the far right front corner, hoping that would be the least populated area from where I could still see. As I began taking my book and binder out to prepare for the first lecture, people began to file in more steadily. I opened my book and began to skim Chapter 1: What is a Cell?, so that I could avoid eye contact with others. A petite girl with a pixie-like haircut, looking like she could barely be seventeen, sat in front of me, and next to her sat a boy who looked a little closer to my age with glasses and a thick black goatee. The seat next to me remained empty, and as the professor entered, I thought I was home free. However, before the instructor finished organizing her handours, I glanced to my right to see a man sit next to me, though I tried not to let my gaze linger. It was difficult, though. Pale skin, chin length curly brown hair highlighted with a hint of bronze, and tall, he was beautiful. I returned my attention to my book, but moments later, I heard a pen tapping on the desk next to me and I grinned inwardly. Apparently, he was as anxious to be around new people as I was.

    After what seemed like an eternity, the professor began to speak. She seemed to like to keep moving, because she rarely stayed in one spot for more than a moment. "First of all, put your books away. Day one of class is always syllabus day," she said with a bright smile. I could already tell I was going to like this professor. Not only because she wasn't going to lecture, but because her smile was genuine. You could tell right away, she loved to teach and she wanted to be there. "I'm Dr. Vicki Martin, affectionately known around here as the 'jellyfish lady'," she said, pointing out her earrings. They were unique structures- wire figures with a few dangling pieces that looked like tentacles. Upon closer examination, that is exactly what they were...tiny jellyfish.

    Dr. Martin continued on, explaining the syllabus, the class schedule and so forth. Then...she said the dreaded words. "I want you to turn to the person next to you and introduce yourselves," she said. "They're going to be your neighbor for the duration of the class." I felt my heart leap into my throat and become lodged. Looking over at the man next to me, I gained enough confidence to smile and extend my hand. "I'm Lacey," I said quietly.

    "Blake," he responded just as quietly as he took my excessively warm hand in his cool, clammy hand, shaking it gently. I released his hand, a bit nervously and looked back down at my desk, fiddling a bit with the edge of my binder. "So are you new here?" he asked.

    I looked back at him, trying to hide the shock that he was continuing the conversation. "Um...yes, I just transferred," I responded, actually having to thing about the answer. "I went to a different school for a couple of years and took a year off."

    "Needed a break?" Blake asked, seemingly genuinely interested.

    "Sort of. I wasn't happy at the place I was at before, and there were some other things that played into it as well," I said. I held back a bit, knowing that I didn't want to get into the horrible memories of my last relationship with someone I just met. Especially a guy who was actually interested in what I had to say.

    Blake nodded in understanding and didn't push the conversation any further in that direction. "I'm new, too," he offered up. "But not for the same reason. I'm a local, and I basically just put school off for a bit."

    "Nothing wrong with that," I said to him with a reassuring smile. "I'm sure it gave you time to figure out what you wanted to do."

    Blake chuckled a bit at that statement. "Not really," he said. "I still have no clue, but I'm pretty sure I want to do something with medicine."

    Was he reading my mind? Blake was saying the exact thoughts that were in my head when I began choosing my classes. I smiled back at him and nodded in agreement. "I know exactly what you mean," I said. I was about to open my mouth and continue, but Dr. Martin began to speak again, though I paid little attention to what she said. I was too concerned with trying to get the blood to drain from my cheeks. I had to tell myself, though, not to get too caught up in him. First and foremost, there would never be any way that he would be interested in anything more than friends, so I had to keep my wits about me. Second, even if he was, I wasn't ready to jump into anything...not yet, anyway. I was still dealing with a lot after the tsunami that came through my life named Mike.