chapter 2 of roxy's story

• Artist: crazy monkey2point 0
• Description: a story about a emo girl
• Date: 12/26/2008
• Tags:

chapter two why
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May, 27, 2008 Roxy got out of bed and said "I'm very sad my only friends are jake perry and tv.''. she stated to cry "why can't i die today.". " It's because there is people that love."her mom said entering the door "Like me and your dad, now come eat breakfast.".She lefed Roxy checked her text mesages. Then went down stairs atebreakfast got dresed. Went to school and saw her boyfriend. Got home and did the same thing for three weeks.

Comments

[crf150r]

hi

[Vhea H]

1.) spelling
if u say leave in past form then it is not lefed but left
2.)grammar
when you said because the is people that love its like neoks! i cant understand its like the arents just barge in directly without good expression
3.)emotions
add more on how roxy spoke up the words
4.)spaces between messages
u just said in this story "atebreakfast" watch your step
5.)annndd most of all warning

you must edit this before u get a 1 percent rating

[Shimmering_Leaves]

Have you even edited this before you posted it? It looks like you just wrote stuff down. You might want to use grammer, emotion, character development, spell check, and what happened to descriptive words?

[Xx Kiki xxX]

I agree needs lots of work I'm emo so I like it

[Patroness]

1.) Grammar is in desperate need here.
2.) Pace yourself.
3.) Spell check is your friend. USE IT.
4.) Emotion please.
5.) Character development please.
6.) I do believe descriptions are in order.
7.) Is there a point to the story? If so, please, put it in the actual story.

[AyameRedRibbon18]

it is okay. No offense but it could be a lot better, just like some of my stories were pretty phony...