Forsaken

• Artist: KungFuCaribou
• Description: This is just a small excerpt from a story that I am beginning to write. It's short I know, but it's the opening paragraph...Anyways..Constructive criticism please? And help for future reference if you wouldn't mind. Rate fairly.
• Date: 12/22/2008
• Tags: forsaken

As I lay there on the rough pavement, rain drops streaming down my blood stained face only one thing crossed my mind: Do you love me...? It didn't take long for me to realize that I would die, the wounds overflowing with blood as I lie helplessly upon the pavement. The girl of my dreams screamed into the hollow night, crying desperately for me to stay alive, praying for a miracle that just wouldn't happen. I can say that I longed to be at her side, for I truly did, but I wasn't going to get what I wanted, only in fairy tales will you ever get what you wish for. There is no God...But there is most definitely a Devil...Welcome to my nightmare.

Comments

[enmortem]

Definitely worth reading.
I hope you post more, I like it.

[tinaateurface]

Nice opening, a few suggestions:

*eliminate boring verbs (i.e. "get" wink
*you have some run-on sentences that would have a more dramatic effect if they were split up
*the last line could be rephrased to flow better

[Sabrawrna]

Omg, it's ******** beautiful.