• as i sit here in this place of my own making i reflect on the last few years of my life. i begin to cast aspersions into the vast ocean of decisions that have led me to this shelter of the mind. i look around me at the adornments of this shelter, each item a reminder of times, friends, love, hate, emotion, and family lost to the sands of existence. a literal window into the inner depth of myself to which i could not fathom the bottom. the only person to have truly seen this location was a man seventy five years my senior and as he bared witness to my soul he could only describe it as a museum steeped in tragedy and triumph expanding endlessly into the horizon .yet my point of view is vastly different when i gaze upon its form myself all i see is a singular room with no ceiling with four walls rising to the stars. although i am clearly outside of this room i can see myself trapped in this windowless void where not even light can enter and the four walls are slowly closing in driven towards the center of the room with every lost hope, broken dream and unheard wish. it is in this place of my own making that i fall asleep in at night. in the past it was frightening and unnerving being there alone and i would awaken from slumber heart pounding and sweating profusely as if i was fighting some unseen overwhelming assailant, but in recent years have grown quite accustomed with my surroundings. be it through sheer will or divine intervention without a clear understanding myself varied cracks and holes have appeared in the four walls. through them not only can i see myself but i can see the reason for these withering walls i am not alone there are those next to me outside the walls beaten and bruised throwing themselves against the four walls like a wave crashing against against a cliff slowly whittling it away. i shed a tear as i realize who they are and why i would do the same for them. they are my friends and more important my family. as the siege continues with each new wave of smiling faces becoming twisted upon impact i cry out in despair and hopelessness. unable to help them i curse this prison of my own making and damn myself to hell for the pain i have caused. with this last feeling the battle ended the host outside subdued and the leader stepped forth i was surprised at this sight for it was me and i called out to the beaten structure "this prison was made by your own two hands each brick carefully laid and strong yet it can be destroyed by your will and yours alone. there are those here that wish for the best for you and have come a long way to see you. will you not come out to greet them?" as i considered his words i thought of my past and of that old man who visited me here. maybe just maybe they could see in me just a sliver of what he saw and what i still can't see. as i thought this, out of the corner of my eye something i never witnessed before in the last twenty years i have been in this room, a door appeared. at that moment my decision was made i ran for the door thinking it would disappear. when i grabbed the knob the four walls around me vanished and i was bathed in a blinding light that could only be the sun, surrounded by those whom, dare i say it, love me. all of them here silent and starring, in their eyes a joy and happiness that caused me to fall to my knees and weep to the heavens. to cast my self into these emotions unabashed it has left me open to the world. it has been a few years since that fateful battle, and i have rebuilt this place of my own making. it is a happier place than it once was and the door is there all the time now allowing myself and those i love to come and go at a whim.when the light shines through the window this place seems vast and deep, gone are the four grey walls that continuously close in. this hall now resembles the old man's description, and when i look upon the memorabilia of my life i no longer feel pain but hope for the better future to come. the light in the window has become strong it must be midday. i think I'll go for a walk.